A Father’s Promise
Posted on 09. Mar, 2009 by Michael Scott in Love & Family, Parenting, Personal Notes
I grew up without knowing my real father, and without finding a role model in my alcoholic stepfather. All I knew for sure is that I didn’t want to become like either one of them.
Many years and four kids later, I still have uncertainties about my own role and relationship as a father. When my sons were toddlers, they would greet me with such incredible warmth and enthusiasm each day when I arrived home from work. But because this was so far from my own experience as a child, I had a hard time accepting it. My wife kept having to explain to me: they love you, and they miss you when you are gone. It was such a foreign concept to me.
I’ve since come to accept it, but even now I can’t fully understand it without also bringing up tears from my past. In 2003, I felt compelled to articulate my own promises to my children. I created a simple document called A Father’s Promise which now sits on our living room credenza next to A Husband’s Promise (but that’s a future post).
Anyway, expressing my promises to my children was probably more important for me than it was for them:
Michael and his children in 2003
A Father’s Promise
To my children, Akia, Khari, Marina and Ariel, I promise the following:
- To pray for you;
- To protect you from harm;
- To feed, to clothe and to shelter you;
- To treat you with respect and honor;
- To lead and to guide you;
- To teach and to inspire you;
- To provide you with a strong, spiritual foundation;
- To share and play together;
- To give you the best I have to offer;
- To love you unconditionally.
Should I falter in carrying out any of these promises, I will seek to make amends, and pray for your forgiveness so that you will always know the strength of my commitment to you.
Signed, Dad.
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28 Responses to “A Father’s Promise”
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Nadia-Happy Lotus
09. Mar, 2009
Hi Michael,
Expressing your promises to your kids means more than you know. It gives them a sense of security and unconditional love is the best gift in the world. I am starting to sound like a broken record…but good for you for being so open and willing to share your journey!
BTW, my husband told me you posted a comment on my blog. I am at work and am not allowed to access such things but thank you in advance and I will reply to it once I get home!
Nadia-Happy Lotus’s last blog post..Oh God, It’s Monday
Regina
09. Mar, 2009
Lucky kids!
Regina’s last blog post..God’s Parenting Skills
Sasha
09. Mar, 2009
Just when I think you have tapped out the extension of how much you are able to blow me away, you do it again. What an incredibly beautiful notion: to put into writing the commitments of your heart and your soul’s intentions. I am going to become dehydrated if you don’t stop making me cry.
Thank you for sharing so openly about your father history: now I understand why you have such a difficult time truly getting how amazing you are, and what amazing work you are doing.
That you would come from a “missing father” lineage and buck the odds of astronomical proportion of history repeating itself is phenomenal. Words can no longer express the amount of respect I have for you and your wife. God bless you both, and those 4 ADORABLE faces!!!
Sasha
09. Mar, 2009
Have you and Acooba read “Yesterday I Cried” by Ivanla VanZant? That book will help you digest those tears from the past that you experience, and split you heart even MORE open with love. (if that is possible!!)
Michael Scott
09. Mar, 2009
@Nadia
Commenting during work hours? I’m shocked!
Thanks again for the kind words.
@Regina
Thank you. They ARE lucky kids, and I am a lucky father to have them! (Note: I try not to give them too much tough love, but as you pointed out, sometimes it’s necessary)
@Sasha
Thanks again for your warm support. The best method I found to rebel against my parents was not to perpetuate their mistakes. Indeed, there are some pains that we go through that we wouldn’t wish even on our enemies.
I’m not familiar with Yesterday I Cried. Perhaps I will look into it. Thank you!
jake
10. Mar, 2009
Sasha
10. Mar, 2009
Some say that those with the deepest spiritual pain are the ones that are capable of loving the most. Perhaps without that childhood you would not have had the capacity to become the incredible man you are today, because as you said, it was your parents that made you who you are today, even if by rebellion.
I know that if I had not had the childhood that I did, I would have had no idea how desperate and lonely a child could feel, so I would not have made such a huge difference in the lives of children in south Texas.
Gwynn
10. Mar, 2009
Michael, it’s always so nice to read what you have to say.
Well done in creating your own life and being a real father. The relationships you have today with your children is the reward for your efforts.
Gwynn’s last blog post..7 Little Things That Make Me Disproportionately Happy
Ian Peatey
10. Mar, 2009
Michael
Have you ever considered adopting? I’m perhaps a little old (45 on the outside but young at heart!) to be considered a ‘child’, but if you ever do, then please consider me. I’ll have to ask my Dad but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.
Ian Peatey’s last blog post..The point of self development
Michael Scott
10. Mar, 2009
@Sasha
Indeed, there’s a strong correlation between pain and compassion. Even the Latin root of the word compassion means to suffer together: com (with) + pati (to bear, suffer).
But the pain is only one ingredient. If we close up our heart in reaction to pain, then we also lose out on love. The challenge is to find a way to keep our heart open despite the pain. This is why forgiveness is so important. I believe forgiveness is the true philosopher’s stone. It transmutes hurt into something beautiful and uplifting. That’s gold! But without forgiveness we are left with the dead weight of pain and bitterness. And who wants that? Certainly not me!
Regardless of what you went through as a child, in order to love those children in south Texas, you had to find forgiveness. I believe your experience coupled with forgiveness is what enabled you to reach those kids.
@Gwynn
Gwynn, thank you for your kind words. It is true: the relationships I have today with my children are the reward for my efforts - and they are also the cure for my pains. Thanks, Gwynn.
Michael Scott
10. Mar, 2009
Ian,
You’re a riot! I mean that in a good way. Thanks for your good humor and support. I really think you’re doing important work over at Quantum Learning. The world is a far better place because of people like you!
Harriet
10. Mar, 2009
@ Michael,
That’s so awesome! My father did something similar for me. The only promise he didn’t fulfill was giving me away at my wedding. He died two years before I got married.
I don’t think a father could love a daughter as much as that man loved me. You come close though! LOL
Michael Scott
10. Mar, 2009
Harriet, the fact that your father expressed his promises to you is wonderful! I’m sorry he didn’t physically make it to your wedding.
If you don’t mind me asking, how much do those promises mean to you now as an adult looking back. Would you be willing to share some of the promises he made to you?
Harriet
10. Mar, 2009
Well, as a young knucklehead, they didn’t mean a whole lot to me. He used to call me his “neat, sweet treat,” and I often balked at that because none of the above descriptions fit me! LOL
He promised to protect me when most times I wanted to protect myself. I didn’t think I needed his help, even as a young child. Yet when I got older, I understood that he wanted to protect me from the intangible things like a broken heart as opposed to the boogie man.
He promised to lead me as a father, but I wasn’t following him. I often went in a different direction, and found myself running back to him with tears streaming down my face because that path wasn’t so bright after all.
He promised that I would always be his little girl, but I wanted to be grown. Yet when I got older, I understood that children, whether adult or adolescent, will always be mommy and daddy’s baby. We came to terms on that point three weeks before he died.
He promised to be at every game/performance/graduation…and he was, unless he was deployed. He not only cheered me, but my whole team.
He promised to tell me the truth, even if it hurt, and he did. Many times we butted heads, because I would tell him the truth about him as well (many times as a defense mechanism). Yet now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve learned the value of facing the truth head on and unafraid because of him.
Wow…I could go on and on. I don’t mean to frighten you, but I was a hard headed little girl, and although my parents were like the Huxtables in many ways, I was still very rebellious, yet courageous and independent in many ways. I wanted to fight my own battles. To some extent, that often caused conflict between us. Yet even in that, the love we shared was almost tangible.
Michael Scott
10. Mar, 2009
Wow, Harriet,
That’s beautiful! Sounds like your dad was a thoughtful and loving person. What a blessing!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Harriet!
Akia
10. Mar, 2009
Hi Dad,
As I’ve grown older, I’ve really learned to appreciate my blessings more. Not because I was necessarily ungrateful when I was younger, but because I was ignorant (and probably still am) of just how tremendous my blessings are. One big example, is taking for granted having a caring father always around.
Learning about your life, and the world, makes your promise mean more and more to me every time I read it.
So this is really a round about way of saying: Thanks, Dad.
-Akia
PS: ICU
Nadia-HappyLotus
10. Mar, 2009
Hi Michael,
Seeing the post that Akia wrote reminded me of something about my dad. When I was a kid, my dad used to say: “Why can’t there be more hours in a day, there is so much I want to do.” I could never understand the desire.
Then about two weeks ago, I was talking to my husband and I said to him “Why can’t there be more hours to the day, there is so much I want to do?” I then realized I had turned into my dad which is not a bad thing. It is amazing the things we copy from our parents and the things we come to appreciate in our parents as we grow. In some ways, I feel I uunderstand my mother better now although she has passed away. I am fortunate for every second I have with my dad.
Hope all is well!
Nadia-HappyLotus’s last blog post..The Call To Simplify
Michael Scott
10. Mar, 2009
@Akia
You are very welcome. Thanks for commenting. ICU too
@Nadia
Thanks again for sharing. It’s great that you recognize what you have in your father. I hope he knows how much you appreciate him.
GetJef
11. Mar, 2009
Daddy..? Sniff.. sniff… Is that you?
That is beautiful,
GetJef =)
GetJef’s last blog post..Worldwide Internet Censorship
Michael Scott
11. Mar, 2009
@GetJef
You nut! I’m going to tell your wife that you’re over here harassing my blog! You’re in big trouble, mister!
Ariel
11. Mar, 2009
We ARE lucky kids! I feel our father never breaks his promises. He works so hard to take care of us. He works so hard to express his love for us. I try to express it back. When we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, he shows us the way out. Whenever I have a bad day, my father is always there to comfort me.
He makes me laugh, he makes me smile.
He always makes a bad day worthwhile.
Love,
Ariel
Michael Scott
11. Mar, 2009
@Ariel
Awww, thank you, baby. You’re my little sweet pea. I am very fortunate to have a such a loving and thoughtful child. You make me so happy.
Love,
Daddy
Big Al
14. Mar, 2009
Hey Michael,
This is wonderful. I love the promise to your kids. Hey, kids, this is Big Al. You guys are lucky to have your dad and mom in your life. Michael you and Acooba are one in a millon.
Love ya all
Your big Brother Al
Michael Scott
14. Mar, 2009
Hey, Big Brother Al, welcome!
I’m so happy you came by and left a comment. Thank you for your kind words and support.
You know, Acooba and I are the lucky ones because we have great kids, and great friends like you! Please tell your beautiful wife and family we all said hello.
Thanks, Al!
Mike
Mocha Dad
17. Mar, 2009
I wish all fathers would commit to these promises. The world be a much better place.
Mocha Dad’s last blog post..Reading is Fundamental
Michael Scott
17. Mar, 2009
Welcome, Mocha Dad!
I just visited your site. I like it! I’ve added you to my blog roll.
Mocha Dad said:
Yeah, I wish that too. But by taking care of your three children as well as you are, you’re already making the world a much better place.
Name Dr. L.E. Mason, Jr.
02. Jul, 2009
Michael,
I know you to not only to speak and write the words you did eloquently, but you wax the walk to be that dad to your marvelously gifted children.
You are an inspiration to the brotherhood of dads/fathers who truly are committed to their children and to children of our universe far and near.
And thank you for being a friend to HALO [Helping Angelinos Live Optimistic Inc], which strives eternal to make a difference to citizens both near and far, great and small as God Himself ordains fathers, husbands and the man holding up the institution of FAMILY!
Michael Scott
03. Jul, 2009
Dr. Mason, welcome to Love to Spare!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I think the work that you and your wonderful wife do for couples and families is so important, and you are an inspiring example of what a husband and father should be!