Love Challenge #2: No Thanks

Posted on 07. Apr, 2009 by Michael Scott in Featured, Love & Relationships, Weekly Love Challenge

This week’s Love Challenge is for the guys (again, you don’t have to be married to answer):

Okay guys: Your wife, Karen, doesn’t get along well with your mother. In fact, Karen always complains of terrible headaches after spending even a few hours around your mom. You, of course, love your mom and would like very much for Karen to develop more understanding towards her.

It so happens that you’ve spent the last four Thanksgivings at your in-law’s (Karen’s parents’) home. You get along great with your in-laws, and have a wonderful time whenever you’re there. However, you are well aware that your own mother loves to host holiday dinners and parties too, and that she’s taking it very personally that you haven’t spent Thanksgiving at her home in over four years. You feel that this year it would only be fair for you and Karen to spend Thanksgiving at your parents’ place.

Just as you’re about to share these thoughts with Karen, she tells you how much she’ looking forward to having a calm and peaceful Thanksgiving at home this year. How do you lovingly deal with this situation? What exactly do you say to Karen?

- Michael

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6 Responses to “Love Challenge #2: No Thanks”

Ian | Quantum Learning

07. Apr, 2009

First of all, before talking with Karen, I’d develop a range of alternatives.

Spend it with my parents/ at her parents (again)/ at home just the 2 of us/ at home and invite both families/ at home and invite one of the families/ go away somewhere just the 2 of us/ spend it separately (me at my parents - Karen wherever she chooses).

Than I’d check with myself if I’m really attached to my preferred option - in which case I’m probably going to come over as demanding. So I’d make at least 2 of the other options almost as attractive to myself as my preferred option.

Then I’d find in myself the openness to really want to learn how it is for Karen. What does she really want? What are her needs in relation to this?

Ok. So now I’m not attached to only one outcome (I have flexibility and openness) and I’ve got my listening ears on.

Now I’d start by telling Karen what my preference is and what my reasons are. I’d tell her I really want to find a way of spending the day in a way that cares for as many people’s needs and preferences as possible and I’d ask her for her reaction. I’d give my full attention to listening to what’s important for her, whilst staying clear what’s important to me. I’d focus on getting connection between us before looking for a solution. That means making sure we both understand each other without criticising or judging.

I’m confident that we can find a solution that satisfies all parties.

In any case, once we’re both fully connected and understanding each other, how we spend Thanksgiving is really not THAT important!

Sorry for the long, expansive answer - but I do think this type of ‘conflict’ can be very damaging in a relationship if it’s not handled with love and skill!

Ian | Quantum Learning’s last blog post..The secret of love, life and being happy

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Roger | A Content Life

07. Apr, 2009

I say

“My mom is hurt that we never spend Thanksgiving at her house. What should we do?”

I then try to negotiate something. We may not go to her house for Thanksgiving this year, but agree to do something else to make up for it. Then I call my mom and explain the situation as delicately as I can.

Roger | A Content Life’s last blog post..30 Days of Mindful Eating – Author Interview

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Albert | UrbanMonk.Net

07. Apr, 2009

A real dilemma! I would probably tell her exactly what I think, and do something else to make up for it, as Roger said. Nothing better than honesty, as well as not saying anything remotely about Karen.

“I feel that I’ve not been a good son and I know my mom is feeling a bit hurt that we’ve not seen her for Thanksgiving the past few years. I really want to spend this Thanksgiving with her. I know you’re tired, so how about I give you a massage?”

The massage offer depends on when exactly we have this discussion - if we had it the day before Thanksgiving, I would offer it after we got back from my mom’s.

Or maybe I’ll just drug Karen with that mind-control cocktail my CIA friend gave me.
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net’s last blog post..The Obstacles to Mature Love, Part 3

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Gwynn

07. Apr, 2009

I would drop to the floor onto my tummy, kick my feet up and down, and flail my arms around.

If that didn’t work I’d have to resort to working with Karen to find an answer that works for the both of us. I’d throw out the suggestion that we come up with an alternating schedule where we spend one year at my folk’s and the next at Karen’s.

I would also arrange for a quiet weekend just before or just after thanksgiving so that we don’t miss out on that experience. I’d suggest we take a vacation day off to make it a long weekend and do something special for ourselves. I’m thinking fancy shcmancy dinner or something along those lines. We’d do the planning together so that we could both look forward to the time alone.

I’d also try to get to the root of the problem between Karen and my mother. Perhaps is something really small and easily fixable. If it’s not then I’d do what I could to run defense and reduce Karen’s exposure to stressful situations.

Oh, and to remember to pack the headache tablets next time we head out.
Gwynn’s last blog post..3 Important Questions To Consider

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GetJef

07. Apr, 2009

For Thanksgiving I would plan a trip to the Grand Canyon or elsewhere, creating a new holiday ritual of my own, independent of the rest of the family.

Jeff
GetJef’s last blog post..Use Free & Independent Email

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Acooba

07. Apr, 2009

Hi Guys,
Thanks for playing! We’re enjoying the responses so far.

@Ian-
Options…what a novel concept! I think sometimes in these situations we forget that there are options, or else we can’t see them, which adds to the strain.

@Roger-
Hmm…the direct approach - another novel idea!

@Albert-
A strategic bribe - I like it! (BTW, please contact me privately if you’re willing to share your cocktail recipe )

@Gwynn-
Wow, the visual on that made me smile. Interesting approach!

@Jef-
I love the idea of creating new rituals…who says they have to be old and originated by other people? Just one question: when you said “of my own…independent…” did you mean you by yourself? That would teach them, huh?

Thanks again, and keep those responses coming! It’s great seeing these hypotheticals through your eyes.

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