Love to Spare

Love Challenge#2: Winners Announced Here!

Posted on 14. Apr, 2009 by Acooba in Love & Relationships

Love Challenge #2 was directed at the men; 5 stepped up to the plate and answered the challenge: Ian, Roger, Albert, Gwynn, and Jeff. Thank you all for your responses, we enjoyed and appreciated your participation.

Before announcing the winners, I’d like to take a moment to share my thoughts on why this type of exercise is important, and your participation so valuable. According to Diane Sollee (founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education), “The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.” Successful relationships are not devoid of conflict and differences; rather, successful couples learn to handle their disagreements effectively.

Conflict happens. Of course when arguments arise they are often accompanied by heightened emotional states which may impair our ability to successfully navigate the inevitable pitfalls of disagreement and differences. Just like a fireman prepares for invariable peril with hours of practice in carefully structured mock crises, we can prepare for the unavoidable (not “irreconcilable”) differences by careful consideration of safe, hypothetical conflicts. Furthermore, reading and considering other people’s responses to these “love challenges” may give us the opportunity to accumulate tools to deal with conflicts. So thank you again to all those who have answered the challenges so far…your participation is a gift that may help to save the life of a relationship someday.

On to the winners…

Acooba’s Pick:

I chose Gwynn’s response to this weeks challenge for the following reasons:

1. Humor - Gwynn’s mock temper tantrum was a cute and funny way to broach a difficult discussion. This may not work for everyone, but humor is very effectively disarming to me.
2. Negotiation & Compromise - Gwynn planned to work with “Karen” to find a mutually agreeable solution. He had a clear (and seemingly reasonable and fair) possibility in mind, “an alternating schedule where we spend one year at my folk’s and the next at Karen’s,” but planned to pose it as a “suggestion” rather than a demand.
3. Strategy for Coping - I felt that Gwynn’s idea of a quiet weekend before (a preemptive strike?) or after Thanksgiving at his folks was an excellent idea and great strategy, not merely for getting his own way, but for helping everyone involved to have the experience they needed and wanted.
4. Damage Control - Planning ahead by packing headache pills is an extremely thoughtful gesture which can communicate: “I know you; I understand the situation and your discomfort; I care about your pain and want to relieve it; and I’m a genius.”
5. Long-term Problem Solving - My favorite part of Gwynn’s response is his resolve to “try to get to the root of the problem between Karen and my mother.” This could potentially yield a permanent, happy resolution to this problem for all concerned. Good thinking, Gwynn! You have been added to our Love Hall of Fame.

Michael’s Pick:

I chose Ian’s response because of his systematic, but loving approach to the problem. Ian didn’t just give us a solution for this particular challenge, he provided a practical prescription for handling all types of inter-relational conflicts:

1. Before even talking to Karen, he considered a range of possible solutions;
2. To avoid being demanding, he identified (at least two) other solutions that would work for him in addition to his preferred option;
3. He then focused on trying to understand “Karen’s” needs;
4. He took pains to ensure that his approach would involve communicating his preferences, without forcefully pushing his own point-of-view on Karen. (Mind you, all this is done before his conversation with Karen even starts.);
5. He then shares his preferences with Karen, and gently lets her know that he is interested in a solution that works best for everyone;
6. He gives his best effort to be “present” in the conversation, and to listen to and understand what’s important to Karen without also forgetting what’ s important to him;
7. He makes sure that they have a respectful connection (that they understand each other without judgment or criticism) before pressing forward towards finding a solution;
8. Finally, he stays focused on what really matters - the quality of his and Karen’s connection - rather than one or the other getting their way.

In this approach, Ian was open to the possibility of not getting his way, he tried to understand the needs of his wife, he came up with an effective plan for communication, and stayed focused on what really matters. This is beautiful, Ian.

Thanks again to all 5 contestants. We hope that those of you who didn’t win this round will keep playing. Gwynn and Ian, your names have both been added to the Love Hall of Fame!

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